he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
