can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
