So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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