Where is the hickey?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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