im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
