finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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