she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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