I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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