"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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