hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
