How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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