He managed to light the Jello on fire...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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