Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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