when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
