I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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