Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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