You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
