she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
