Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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