my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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