sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
