There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
