dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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