What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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