She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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