im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
