You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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