I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize