Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
