Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
