Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
