I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
