Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
