if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
