He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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