I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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