Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
