3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
