she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
