so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
