Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
