Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
