And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
