I just saw a hot homeless man
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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