Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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