I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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