omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
