Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i think my cat just said my name.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
