Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
