Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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