Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
