Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
