This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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